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by Tonia Brown
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It has been some time since I helped Mr. Lyles set his life story (or rather unlife story) down on paper for all the world to read. So, in light of the ongoing interest about Peter’s life, untimely death and unusual undeath, I thought I might corner him for a candid interview. I was unable to fly out to New Orleans to catch him at his swamp bound home in the bayou, but he was willing to give me a few quick minutes over the phone.
Tonia Brown: Heya Peter! It’s been a while. Thanks for agreeing to talk with me again.
Peter Lyles: It’s my pleasure. Who is hosting this blog interview again?
TB: A young woman by the name of Velvet.
PL: *one can hear the dry stretch of his wide smile over the line*
That’s such a beautiful name, for a beautiful woman I’m sure.
TB: I remember you once said that all women are beautiful.
PL: And I stick by that. Every woman has the potential for great beauty.
TB: Yeah, with the proper work, right? A little exercise, a little fashion sense, the right hairdresser—
PL: *interrupts me mid-rant*
I’ve said before that it isn’t about stuff like that. It isn’t her clothes or her makeup or her hairdo that makes her lovely. It’s all in what she says, and what she does. I mean, sure I would prefer she had a shower and to run a brush through her hair, but that’s all packaging. And besides, if she stank to high heaven I wouldn’t notice anyways. *laughs*
TB: That’s right. What is it like living without a sense of smell?
PL: Very hard, all things considered. When you’re trying your best not to rot, lacking the ability to smell your own funk is a rough thing. Then there is the fact that I never got to smell … well … let’s just say the scent of a woman.
TB: *I can’t help but giggle at that*
Speaking of women, some folks were mildly disturbed at the idea of a zombie … can I call you that?
PL: Spade’s a spade. Call me what you like. I’ve certainly been called worse.
TB: I’m sure you have. Anyways, they don’t like the idea of a zombie … well … you know.
PL: *again, one can feel his smile across the miles*
Yeah, I know. But are you going to say it out loud?
TB: Okay. Having sex.
PL: Good girl. I never understood why folks are always embarrassed to talk about sex. We all want it. We all do it. But people turn pink at the thought of saying the words making love. What a nice set of words, huh? What a beautiful thing to say aloud. Making love. We can say making biscuits without flinching. But change that last word to something that makes us feel so wonderful, and everyone gets shy about it. Not that biscuits aren’t great. Biscuits are wonderful too, but biscuits, while they satisfy the belly, do little for the soul.
*sharp hiss*
God, I miss biscuits.
TB: What do you miss more, eating or smelling?
PL: Well, considering that I traded eating great smelling food for feasting on the orgasms of great looking women, I think I won that one. There are no calories and my meal enjoys the banquet as much as I do, if not more. It’s all a bit of a win-win for me. And the lucky ladies of the world.
*loud laugh*
Wow! Did that sound as corny out loud as it did in my head?
TB: *trying hard to control my laughter*
A little bit. But the point was, some folks are turned off by the necrophilia theme of your life story.
PL: You mean unlife. Do not let the Madam hear you say life and me in the same sentence. She’ll blow a gasket. And, truth me told, I don’t blame folks for getting bent out of shape about the subject matter. But they have to keep this in mind, I’m no more dead than half the piss poor lovers in the world. I just have better moves.
TB: I suppose this brings us to the biggest question everyone bugs me about.
PL: What’s that?
TB: How many women have you been with?
PL: *there is a slight pause, with a distant chuckle in the background*
I don’t know if I can really answer that. It might cause more trouble than it’s worth.
TB: Aw, come on. Just a hint?
PL: You know I can never refuse a pretty girl. Let’s see, how many? Why don’t we say, enough to get me by?
TB: I suppose that will have to do.
PL: I hate to go, but I’m getting that look.
TB: That look, huh?
PL: You’ve been married for a few years, Tonia. You know the look I’m talking about.
TB: Yeah, I do. Thanks for taking the time to talk to us.
PL: Again, it was my pleasure. Give Velvet my best.
TB: Will do.
~end
A candid talk with Peter Lyles by Tonia Brown
Based on character from Lucky Stiff: Memoirs of an Undead Lover. © 2010. All rights reserved.
by Tonia Brown
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by Tonia Brown
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