Monday, March 8, 2010

Mr Snail

Alice, 10 feet tall, runs through the woods, with the clumsy awkwardness of a sprinting giant. Unbeknownst to her, she is about to crush a snail with her enormous foot. Seeing this, the snail suddenly propels himself upward, like a rocket launching, until he is eye-to-eye with Alice. The snail wears a tiny jet-pack and helmet, and appears to be half snail, half rocket. He is a steampunk snail with a strong Joe Pesci vibe.


Snail: Hey, watch where you’re going!

Alice: I’m sorry!

The snail looks Alice over.

Snail: You’re not from around here, are you?

Alice: No, no, I don’t believe that I am. Forgive me, I’m having a deja-vu. I feel like this has happened to me before.

Snail: What’s the hurry, anyway?

Alice: I’m trying to catch up with that rabbit, the one with the antlers.

Snail: The jackalope! (suspiciously) You know him? How do you know him?

Alice: I don’t know him.

Snail: You don’t know him! Then what are you following him for? A smart girl doesn’t follow strangers into unfamiliar worlds! Are you out of your mind? How do you know he’s not a murderer?

Alice: Is he a murderer?

Snail: No, but you don’t know that.

Alice: I do now. You just told me.

Snail: Listen, kid, that Jackalope can’t be trusted, believe me. He’ll lead you to places that will turn your pretty blonde hair white. How’d you get so tall, anyway? You didn’t drink from that glass that said, “drink me” did you?

Alice: Why yes. Yes, I did.

Snail: Oh, for crying out loud. Why would you do a thing like that for?

Alice: Because it said, “drink me.” I always do what I’m told.

Snail: Okay, fine, give me all your money and be my personal slave for life.

Alice: Ah, gee, I don’t have any money on me…I guess I could do the slave part...

Snail: You’ve got to be friggin’ kidding me right now! Where were you raised, some kind of magical fairy tale land? Didn’t your parents teach you about the real world?

Alice removes the mushroom from her pocket and starts munching.

Alice: Is this the real world? I thought the sign said, “Whatsitland”?

Alice begins shrinking.

Snail: Okay, that’s it. I obviously can’t leave you here alone.

Alice is now the same size as the snail. The snail zips down to the ground to continue their conversation.

Alice: Oh boy, maybe I should have just had half a mushroom. It’s difficult to gauge these things!

Snail: Hop on my back, kid. We’ll catch up with the jackalope together.

Alice: How do I know you’re not a murderer?

Snail: Hey, you’re the one who almost stepped on me, but I like the way you’re starting to think. You just might be all right after all, kid!

Alice and the snail zip off together, disappearing into the thick forest.


* image source steampunk snail

* part of Alice in Whatsitland (see schedule)

* wanna be a part of Alice's adventure in Whatsitland? join the challenge!

* guest post from Elizabeth Beckwith author of Raising The Perfect Child Through Guilt and Manipulation -

* giveaway for this book


the story continues...
flash back -~- flash forward


  1. Ha. This was awesome. And I want that snail. ;P

  2. LMAO That's awesome! Wherever did you find a steampunk snail?

  3. Hah! That was super!!! Steampunk snails - LUV it =D

  4. With the main character being a snail are you now establishing a new sub-genre, Fantasy-Steampunk ?

  5. This is awesome!!! Go snail go!

  6. Wow...Steampunk Snail? That is awesome :)

  7. I love all the steampunk stuff out now. The snail is so cool with all his gear.

  8. Half rocket, half snail? That is pure awesome.

  9. Steampunk snail, eh. What will they come up with next?

    Interesting idea though, giving a decidedly slower and steadier kind of power to something with similar properties like a snail. Quite a match.

  10. Alright, I know I already commented, but I am again. I love this. The first time through I was in a hurry, so I skipped down to the dialogue between them, and missed the great description of Mr Snail. So when I read that and reread the dialogue = SO MUCH BETTER! I mean, it was funny before, but now this might be my favorite bit of Alice in Whatsitland.
    And I still want that snail.

  11. Thanks for posting about this awesome steampunk snail!

  12. It's a Rocketeer Snail!
    Love it!

  13. What an awesome snail. Love the picture!

  14. Rocketeer in fact!
    Very nice blog from where you took that!

  15. It's a pity, but the author's site seems to be down.

  16. Rocketeer! A wonderful memory from my childhood!

  17. This is wonderful work!
    I wish I had half the talent!

  18. I love that Mr Snail is using technology - laced in brass and leather, no less - to overcome Nature's limitations for him. What a champion!

  19. Haha! If I were ever to sumble into Whatitland I hope I'd run into such a canny snail! He's a little coarse, but he seems to have his head on straight.


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